Crazy-ass family

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Three Things About Me to Make You Wonder

I've been thinking. We really can't get to know each other until we reveal some things about ourselves that we aren't necessarily proud of. Am I right? So after much thinking (that's a lie; I had a huge list in minutes and had to cut a whole bunch out) I have come up with three things about myself that are...questionable. Things I'm a little ashamed of. Things that help to make me, me.

Deep breath. Here goes!

1. I am a recovering South Park lover.
When South Park was newer, I was in University and Jim and I were huge fans. Yes, I said huge fans. Of South Park. At Christmas time that year, I used my creative genius and some construction paper to make South Park Christmas tree ornaments. I made Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Ike, Kitty and Pig. I made the South Park school bus to keep the ornaments in. I have always regretted not making Chef. For you, dear readers, I will endeavour to find my South Park Christmas tree ornaments (I'm not throwing those out! All the work! All the construction paper! The glue, people, the glue! And the cutting!) and I will take a picture of them and post it. For you.

2. Dr. Dirty makes me sing nasty songs.
Ok this one is hard to write. In my defence, I was a teenager, ok? Jim (I'm detecting a theme here...I have noticed that the vast majority of my embarrassing revelations include my husband. Hmmmmm...) made me listen to Dr. Dirty and the Pixies. If you have never heard, do yourself a favor. Don't do it. The Christmas album has always stuck with me, and I am most ashamed to say that, as Christmas draws nigh each year, one particular song rears its ugly head and I am forced to sing it. Repeatedly. And in public. Because it is catchy and because it makes me laugh! I cannot help it! It is an affliction most hideous. In the interest of full disclosure, I will write the lyrics here for you. Silent Night is beautiful. But Silent Fart is dirty, and I sadly seem stuck on the dirty:

Silent fart
Holy fart
Remain calm
Release your bomb

'Round the kitchen
Out from your chair
Little atoms of poop
In the air
Feel it silently creep
Watch as your friends breath in deep

Appalling! But just try not to sing that aloud wherever you go! It gets stuck in your head!
I'm so, so sorry.

3. I flipped the bird.
Last week, as Jim (there he is again!) was backing out of a parking spot, this chick decided to try and speed behind us, nearly causing a collision. She couldn't fit behind us, of course, and had to slam on her brakes. If the windows of our doors had not been between us, I could have reached out and slapped her, that's how close she was. Ok, so I have my three kids in the van, it's a relatively new vehicle, AND I was a touch bitchy because the new Quizno's we had joyfully spotted from the road wasn't open yet. So I mouthed, "Be patient!" She commenced to yell (I can only assume she was yelling. The windows, remember?) very animatedly, gesturing wildly at our van. Well that made me mad. SHE was the offending individual here! So I did the only plausible thing: I waved at her. Backwards. And with only one finger.
The look on her face was delicious. And I must say that, although I abhor violence, if this person had approached my van, I was ready to throw down.

There. I am cleansed! Now you.


At 1:02 PM, Anonymous James said...

I am going to take a look for those ornaments when I get home. They were great!

OK for the Dr. Dirty, I may have brought them to you but I hated the songs :) Please remember people that the Pixies listed on this Blog are not THE Pixies. They are a far superior band!

I think you were ready to fight I thought it to be a little odd but then there is Theresa and there is CAR Theresa, two different people. It is funny because you always think I have road rage for callin gpeople idiots when they do something stupid. I of course don't pull out the bird and yell at them...hmmmm

At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Kelly said...


OMG that was TOOO funny TREE flipping the bird. TREE ready to THROW DOWN????? wtf ? HEHE you are great I love you:)

At 3:58 PM, Blogger Reagan said...

That Silent Fart song is good, mind you, I am a sucker for bathroom humour. Note: Bathroom humour is no way to impress a girl. I have learned this through experience!

As for the fingering incident, I have to tell you that I fingered someone once on our commute to work one day, after he nastily cut me off and turned off the road we were on. Well I guess this nutcase saw me as he was turning, because he found his way back to the road I was on, chased me down, and almost got out of his car to thump me at a traffic light! Quite the unnerving experience! Fortunately Christine and I got away unscathed as the light turned green just in time, but it just goes to show you, there are definitely crazies out there!!

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Eve said...

Hello, my name is Eve, and I am also a recovering South Park addict. I carved myself a Cartman pumpkin at Halloween. I spoke for my dog in Cartman's voice. But I've been dry now for 1,451 days. It helps to know that I'm not alone. (breaks down sobbing..)

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Tree said...

Hahahaha Eve you are too funny. We still talk to each other in Cartman's voice...especially when pot pie is on the menu. It's my pot pie!
Oh man I've fallen off the wagon!
Do you have a pic of your Cartman pumpkin? That must have been so cooool.

At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1: There's nothing to be ashamed of for loving South Park. In fact, you can go further and buy a copy of 'Cannibal the Musical' like I did (It's a pre-south park trey parker and matt stone film, should have won the oscar)

2: Dr. Dirty also has non-Christmas songs, for example:

She's got a pickle to ride
A whole cucumber inside
(to the tune of 'she's got a ticket to ride')

3: If Theresa threw down more often there would be less violence in the world. Eventually, I mean.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger sally said...

never really got into southpark as it came on too late

oh and's "flipping the bird" or "giving the finger"...NOT fingering, that entails a totally different thing and I wouldn't blame the guy for chasing you down if you fingered him

sorry folks for the vulgarity, but someone had to put reagan straight before he got himself into trouble


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