I'm Not Sure If Any Of This Makes Sense

Do you ever look around yourself – at your house, your family, the trees, the sky – and think, where AM I? It’s an odd feeling being in the place you’ve known all your life and feeling like you don’t belong.
I don’t know if it’s loneliness, but it feels like loneliness. Like something – or someone – is missing. What is it in this life that makes us so alone, no matter how surrounded we are by others? Is it that nobody can possibly understand us fully, or is it that we don’t fully understand ourselves?
Or is it just me?
I’ve felt like this since I was a kid. I’ve been searching for a place to belong…forever. Just when it seems I’ve found it, it becomes clear that I was wrong. That that wasn’t my place after all.
I’ve had moments. Four years old on the hardwood floor, reading a book and sitting in a pool of sunlight, I felt it. That sense of belonging…that reassurance that, yes, this is where I’m supposed to be right now. There was nothing special about the time except for a peace that came over me, while I sat there in the sun, alone. A comfort. Fleeting, but unmistakable.
Walking through the woods on a late summer afternoon…navigating the fallen branches and avoiding the trickling brook on one side…it came often there. In the quiet of the day, in the solitude. That peace. I was alone but so not.
In University when so much in my life was changing, I would panic in class. It would hit me hard and for no reason. I did exceptionally well in school…went to all my classes…but the panic would hit me there. I’d be sitting, surrounded by friends, in the middle of a discussion, and it would hit me…that flash of heat…that pounding heartbeat…the urge to run, run, run…
One day in class I felt it coming on, and decided to give myself a break. I usually sat it out and got through it, staying in my seat, biting the cap of my pen and drawing on my papers to distract myself. That day, I was tired from a long shift at the restaurant the night before, and just sick of fighting panic while everyone around me sat quietly bored. So, I got up and walked out. It was just natural to gravitate toward the bathroom, where I’d be able to sit and close my eyes for a second. Halfway there, I heard my name. I heard a voice in my right ear…so strongly present I could feel the energy of it all around me.
Theresa.
I stopped and turned in a slow circle, knowing I’d see nobody, but needing to react somehow. That was another one of those moments of clarity…it’s like, in that moment, something in this world opens up, and we’re able to see anything we want to see. I just get that reassuring feeling…yes, you’re supposed to be here. Right here, right now. It’s all FOR something.
Don’t worry.
It’s okay.
I don’t know very much. I don’t. I don’t understand why I’m here. The whole meaning of life thing, you know? I don’t know if I make a difference. But I do know that this isn’t it. There’s more. And maybe how we live our lives matters in that…more.
So.
While I’m here, I’m very busy trying to figure out how to live my life. Trying to please everyone and be the person I’m expected to be.
Guess what?
I’ve discovered that there is no “right” way to live…and that sometimes, going against conventional thought is better. It’s brave. And the difference it makes can mean so much. It’s scary to discover this, but liberating, too.
I’m giving myself a break. Instead of trying so hard to be right, I’m going to enjoy this life. I’m going to make a space for me here…strike a balance…and live. I’ll belong because…it’ll be mine. I’m going to stop worrying so much about what other people think. I’m going to say what’s on my mind. I’m going to reach for what I want.
How’s that for a New Year’s resolution? Better late than never…