Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I'm Not Sure If Any Of This Makes Sense

Do you ever look around yourself – at your house, your family, the trees, the sky – and think, where AM I? It’s an odd feeling being in the place you’ve known all your life and feeling like you don’t belong.
I don’t know if it’s loneliness, but it feels like loneliness. Like something – or someone – is missing. What is it in this life that makes us so alone, no matter how surrounded we are by others? Is it that nobody can possibly understand us fully, or is it that we don’t fully understand ourselves?
Or is it just me?
I’ve felt like this since I was a kid. I’ve been searching for a place to belong…forever. Just when it seems I’ve found it, it becomes clear that I was wrong. That that wasn’t my place after all.
I’ve had moments. Four years old on the hardwood floor, reading a book and sitting in a pool of sunlight, I felt it. That sense of belonging…that reassurance that, yes, this is where I’m supposed to be right now. There was nothing special about the time except for a peace that came over me, while I sat there in the sun, alone. A comfort. Fleeting, but unmistakable.
Walking through the woods on a late summer afternoon…navigating the fallen branches and avoiding the trickling brook on one side…it came often there. In the quiet of the day, in the solitude. That peace. I was alone but so not.
In University when so much in my life was changing, I would panic in class. It would hit me hard and for no reason. I did exceptionally well in school…went to all my classes…but the panic would hit me there. I’d be sitting, surrounded by friends, in the middle of a discussion, and it would hit me…that flash of heat…that pounding heartbeat…the urge to run, run, run…
One day in class I felt it coming on, and decided to give myself a break. I usually sat it out and got through it, staying in my seat, biting the cap of my pen and drawing on my papers to distract myself. That day, I was tired from a long shift at the restaurant the night before, and just sick of fighting panic while everyone around me sat quietly bored. So, I got up and walked out. It was just natural to gravitate toward the bathroom, where I’d be able to sit and close my eyes for a second. Halfway there, I heard my name. I heard a voice in my right ear…so strongly present I could feel the energy of it all around me.
I stopped and turned in a slow circle, knowing I’d see nobody, but needing to react somehow. That was another one of those moments of clarity…it’s like, in that moment, something in this world opens up, and we’re able to see anything we want to see. I just get that reassuring feeling…yes, you’re supposed to be here. Right here, right now. It’s all FOR something.
Don’t worry.
It’s okay.
I don’t know very much. I don’t. I don’t understand why I’m here. The whole meaning of life thing, you know? I don’t know if I make a difference. But I do know that this isn’t it. There’s more. And maybe how we live our lives matters in that…more.
While I’m here, I’m very busy trying to figure out how to live my life. Trying to please everyone and be the person I’m expected to be.
Guess what?
I’ve discovered that there is no “right” way to live…and that sometimes, going against conventional thought is better. It’s brave. And the difference it makes can mean so much. It’s scary to discover this, but liberating, too.
I’m giving myself a break. Instead of trying so hard to be right, I’m going to enjoy this life. I’m going to make a space for me here…strike a balance…and live. I’ll belong because…it’ll be mine. I’m going to stop worrying so much about what other people think. I’m going to say what’s on my mind. I’m going to reach for what I want.
How’s that for a New Year’s resolution? Better late than never…


At 1:32 PM, Blogger BraveandCrazyGur1 said...

How many roads you’ve traveled
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And love’s the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads we’ve traveled
How many dreams we’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Love you Tree :)

At 8:48 PM, Anonymous bee said...

Oh wow, *I* hear the voice in *my* right ear also too! Two times and each has been significant. This entry really resonated with me. Still I wish I lived closer to you. Then maybe we could have tea and I could learn things from you. As for the not belonging feeling, I have felt it many times and I am fairly certain that most others feel it as well. I think it's a byproduct of thinking and being aware. Cheers.

At 6:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is the longing to go home. Our other home. A buried rememberance of the perfection of that place, the joy. The difficulty of existing here. That's what I think it is.
I also think it is a wonderful New Year's resolution to be yourself and not conform to what others believe or expect you to be. A brave thing to do.

At 7:18 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

What a wonderful post Tree, sad and yet liberating. Of course I'm sure you realize that the meaning of your life was never to please everyone and be what they expected. Be Tree...she's awesome!
I love ya!

At 11:59 AM, Anonymous the Mater said...

"From what ... for what ... to what?"
Life's big questions.

As Rilke advises, "Live the questions." As I advise: "Be yourself and live the questions."

All shall be well.

Love you, E xxoo

At 7:33 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I get it, lovey. I get it. Know you are loved from all over the place (this world and the past world and the next world)!


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