Good Things Can Happen Even When You're Sick

Last night, Aidan came downstairs, as he does every night, and said he had to pee. He is constantly trying to come up with new ways to stay up longer, and he's figured out that we won't risk saying no to him when pee may be involved. He peed (more like dribbled, but whatever. The kid had peed 20 minutes earlier) and I wobbled my sickly way to the bathroom to help him wash his hands. When he was done, I scooped him up, trembling with the effort, and told him to look out the window at the Christmas lights. He gazed at me, and I felt his happiness, his sheer joy at this little moment he had somehow stolen with me. I smiled at him and whispered that there were red candy canes across the road, and Santa, too. He studied the lights and whispered, "Lookit all the colors over there, Mom. Me love those." "Those are my favorites, too," I whispered back, and kissed his chubby cheek. He giggled spontaneously, and hugged me, pressing his sweet face into my neck.

I put him down and shooed him off to bed, feeling warm, almost forgetting I was sick.

Liam, that beautiful boy, has decided that he wants to put himself to sleep at nap time and bed time. When I try to snuggle him in my arms, he yells and rolls, waving his fists in the air. Then he stares up at me, wide-eyed, saying "why don't you put me to bed?" And when I do, he stuffs his thumb in his mouth and closes his eyes, sighing. Funny. I've worked so hard to get him to be able to fall asleep on his own, and now that he can...now that he insists on it...it's painful. I'm so proud of him. I'm so amazed. And I miss him falling asleep in my arms...his body getting heavier, his breathing deeper.

Wasn't it just yesterday that I discovered (quite unexpectedly) that I was pregnant with him? Just a short time ago that I rejoiced after being taken off of bedrest, after four months of trying to keep Liam in? How is it that he is sitting on his own now? And two days ago, I put him on his play mat so I could get a drink for Caleb, and look:

How'd he do that?

That same day, Caleb got down on the floor to play with his brother:

How can being a mother be so painful and so utterly beautiful at the same time?