Merry Christmas, Family

Dear crazy-ass family,

I love you! Christmas was wonderful. Jen, Ryan and Gage, spending yesterday with you was great, as usual. Awesome sweet potatoes, Ryan! And I had some of the apple pie last night before bed. YUM!

Mom, I didn't get to talk to you (thought that flute-playing in the background while you talked to Jeff was me!) but Jeff relayed your conversation to me. I'm so glad you enjoyed your day with Gram and Granddad.

Dad and Heather, it was nice to talk to you! I'm glad you liked your gift, Heather. I'm sorry you didn't get yours yet, Dad. It's eBay's fault!

In-laws, your thoughtfulness and generosity this year was amazing. We love the books...the ship kite is AMAZING. We missed spending Christmas day with you very much.

Merry Christmas to all! And, in the spirit of giving, may I present the following:

Top Five Holiday Conversation Killers

5) Mention, while conversing with your brother, that you feel like you're on your period, but it's hard to tell for sure since there is an absence of blood due to breastfeeding. This anguished statement will be met with a blank stare. For information's sake, I will say that going on to tell your brother that having this conversation with your sister is much different than having it with him will not elicit further response. More blank stares are to be had.

4) Directly upon being praised by your wife for excellent gift selection and subsequent procurement, suggest immediate retirement to the bedroom for the purposes of physical satisfaction. While this may be a possible, and even exciting, suggestion for a young couple who does not have three children (one of whom was, at that moment, sleeping in said bedroom), you must be on crack to think it plausible today.

3) Call your son to inform him that yet another gift for his wife (the third, in fact) has been discovered unsent, and will be mailed with the others. And then hang up before your son has a chance to respond. Jim decided to voice his complaint that I receive more gifts from his parents than he does. How silly! He seems to be a tad upset that I have even more on the way. I just want to state quite firmly that I, on the other hand, believe that my in-laws are EXCELLENT and thoughtful gift givers. And may I delicately suggest that Jim's concerns do not affect next year's gift giving? To upset the present distribution of gifts would be akin to upsetting the balance of the universe! Ok, maybe not the universe, but ours for sure. In-laws, just one more thing: I LOVE YOU!

2) Suddenly interrupt pleasant conversation during Christmas dinner to yell, "Why won't you have sex with me?!" at your husband. Waving your hands in the air and masking your face in desperation bolsters the effect of this statement dramatically. I would like to state that, while this little tidbit did indeed kill the conversation at the table, it was also an excellent way to make your sister (me) nearly pee her pants. My brother in-law's obviously embarrassed reaction nearly sealed the deal on my involuntary bladder evacuation, but I managed to hold it together. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

1) Say, "I don't want to talk to anybody", with stress on the "anybody" while you're having the first phone conversation with your daughter in two years. I took no offence to this, of course. But conversation did take a sharp decline after this statement was made. No worries, Dad; your earlier compliments on my writing skills prevented any hard feelings. Incidentally, I am very much looking forward to your blog. Have you thought of a title yet? How about, "The Hare Who Lost His Spectacles"? Or, if you're in the market for something less abstract, may I suggest, "The Ponderings of Perry"? I like the alliteration.

Family, our life together is not perfect. We sometimes lack sensitivity and tact. Occasionally, we fart in each other's presence. Very, very often, we burp in each other's presence. In fact, we often answer the phone that way. We make crude jokes and delight in taking pictures of each other looking mentally altered. But there is one thing we are never at a loss for. One thing I am enormously thankful for: our humour. We are always laughing. It gets us through hard times and makes good times so much better.
I love you all so much! You can change your personalities, your life direction, your looks...but never change your humour.

Merry Christmas, and here's to another year together, laughing.

Love,

Theresa