Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Letter To My Hypothalamus

I am sick. I have the flu. So not fun.

Also, you folks put up with a lot around here. I re-read my whiney post of a couple days ago, and am rather embarrassed. I have come to the conclusion that several important areas in my life were disturbed at a very volatile time of the month for me. In that vein, I have devised the following letter to my hypothalamus, in hopes to stem future episodes.

Dear Hypothalamus,
Hi! We’ve never been formerly introduced, but I think you’ll agree that we’re intimately acquainted. We’ve been working together for over 30 years now, and I want you to know that I truly appreciate all you’ve done for me. I mean, it’s due, in part, to you that those Mensa people are always trying to get me to join their little club. So, many thanks for that.
But I figured it was time I wrote you a letter for a very different reason. See, about once a month, I become an insufferable, whiney biotch. I endure horrible abdominal cramps, yell at my husband, cry uncontrollably, and, most recently, have begun forcing internet-surfers of the world to share my pain. Dude, that is so not cool.
After doing some research, Hypothalamus, I have discovered that, although the pituitary gland and the ovaries (and their respective follicles) are very much to blame for this monthly torture, it all originates with a little signal from you, and therefore you are the main culprit. I’m a firm believer in getting to the heart of the problem, and I’m sorry to say, Hypothalamus, that it appears to be you in this case. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but that little signal you send to the pituitary gland is the beginning of a merciless regime over both my girly bits and my sanity.
I have pondered over this for many hours, and I believe that I am prepared to present you with a solution that will be satisfying for all involved. My idea, dear Hypothalamus, is joint custody. As it stands, you pretty much signal the overtaking of the girly bits and sanity, mentioned above, for several days, in a rather consistent manner. I propose that you allow for joint custody, which would turn over these essential physical parts to me for an agreed-upon time, during which I will experience some relief from the symptoms I’ve already discussed.
Let me elaborate. Say you allow me custody between 3am and 3pm during these several days in the monthly cycle. In the morning, I can bring the bits and the sanity to the park! I will push them on the swings and let them dig in the sand for as long as they wish. Then, we will walk home in the sunshine, to enjoy petits-fours, bonbons and iced tea. We will do each other’s nails and listen to the Cranberries, and finally settle down to a long nap.
See how I have set up an oasis of happiness for me and my bits? And my sanity? Well, here’s where you take over! You can come in and smash our oasis and erect your House of Pain. You can make everyone eat broccoli and listen to classical music and walk around wearing nothing but 6-inch heels, a tampon, and a beer hat filled with Ovaltine (gross). You can call Uterus fat and insult Sanity (she’s fragile). You can repeatedly ask the Ovaries (henceforth referred to as “the twins”) why they can’t be more like Vagina.
Some will say this is harsh. In my mind, though, several half-days of torture beats a few full days of misery easily. And I can get through the hours during which you have custody by thinking about my turn! The park! And the bonbons! This, I can do, and do happily.
So, I humbly ask that you consider this proposal and get back to me in, say, three weeks at the latest. No worries, I’ll have all the necessary papers drawn up. It is my hope that this arrangement will bring us all closer and provide for a more stable, understanding relationship in general. After all, aren’t we working toward the same goals? You know, we are one, and all that? You complete me?
Thank you for your consideration. Yours sincerely,

Ps: Incidentally, have you seen Libido around? She’s been MIA since Liam was born. If you see her, can you let her know I’m looking for her? And that she’s got a letter coming to her next?


At 10:41 AM, Blogger mama_tulip said...

Ugh, sorry you're sick...I feel your pain, as I know you know.

LOL, seriously, this was funny. Love that little bit at the end about looking for your Libido. Where the hell is she, anyway?

(Thanks for the link, BTW. As soon as I get a few spare seconds without being bothered for Cheerios, orange juice in the red sippy or bathroom assistance, I'm gonna link you, too.)

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Jennboree said...

I'm sure your husband would be happy for you to find Libido too. Mine sure would.

Sorry you're sick but I love the letter written in near delirium. We will blame the flu for that, right?

At 2:24 PM, Blogger LoriLaurieLauri said...

LMAO Tree! Let me know how it all works out for you...I may need to try it myself. Because, ya know what??? It's getting worse the older and closer to menopause I get!

And I need to send you an email about my...umm...'spirit'ual experience last night!

At 3:23 PM, Blogger LynAnne said...

OMG that is so funny! Not the part about you being sick of course. I hope you feel better sooner than soon! :(

I feel for you! My hypothalamus is currently playing games with me. Is he sending smoke signals for Aunt Flo or not? (my hypothalamus must be a 'he' because only a 'he' lacks common sense as to the full consequences of his actions). Libido Mia is MIA also. Though, I'm not too worried about her. She's old enough to stay out late and my milk-filled boobs and saggy, sore tummy aren't eager for her return quite yet.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Odd Mix said...

If you locate Libido, would you ask her if she has seen her cousin who is supposed to visit my wife every now and then? She seems to have gone missing about two years ago, just about the same time Uterus and the Twins left for good.


At 4:29 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

LOL !!!!

Girl ... you are funny !!!!

I will be sending my own letter out soon to my Adrenal glands .

Hope you feel better soon , thanks for the must needed laugh !!!!!

At 7:00 PM, Blogger sblairc said...

Too funny. Beer hat with ovaltine? LOL. Funniest post yet! Love ya, Shan

At 7:43 PM, Blogger MomSquared said...

Ahh don't you hate when you pour your irrational and hormonal heart out on your blog and then you feel stupid the next day?
I do that all the time!
You can borrow some of my libido. Just for a little while though, until my husband notices.

At 8:29 PM, Blogger Tree said...

Hey mama_tulip, how's things over there? How's the eye goop situation? Poor thing. Thanks for the link, by the way!
jennboree, you're right, Jim is actively encouraging the search for the libido. I, on the other hand, don't really care if she comes back (I feel like lynanne does, in all honesty!).
Lauri, I'm waiting for that email! Sounds exciting!
Hi odd mix! Hmmm, maybe all the missing libidos hang out together and try to devise ways to torture our husbands?
Hey, Lisa, girl! You owe me an email, right? :)
Shan! How's that tummy? Glad you liked the Ovaltine bit; Jim was quite confused by it! Ah, you gotta love the boy. :) Love you, too.
Shevon, you have all of our libidos, don't you?!?

At 9:38 PM, Blogger MomToTracyNSheri said...

LMAO! You are too much.

I'm thinking of writing a letter to my ass.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Brooke said...

HiLARious! I hope you feel better soon.

At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Jo said...

Ok, apart from all the rest, WHERE were the answers to the intelligence test?! I am not a genius, nor am I intelligent. I'm holding on to the thought that this was an intelligence test for people YOUR side of the pond, not mine. Humph.

And I fear your libido has gone on holiday with mine to stay with Shevon!

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Tree said...

jo, I can't give you the answers! I am encouraging you to do the test!
Just to be clear, I am a very LAZY genius; I got the required 19 and then watched TV, my motivation completely lost.

At 8:56 AM, Blogger mama_tulip said...

You're welcome. :)

Um, are ya sure you wanna know? Toddler still running around like she's been given some crack. Baby still oozing snot and goop, and having difficulty sleeping anywhere else but in my arms. From 2am on this morning he wouldn't sleep unless I laid on my side with him nestled in the crook of my arm, sort of spooning him. My back is sore. *yawn*

How are YOU feeling?

At 10:46 AM, Blogger s@bd said...

oh my giddy aunt.

I'm going to print that post word for word and put it on my kitchen door.

At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Kels said...

Tree, GOD you make me laugh that was priceless. You crack me up.


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