Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

On This Ghost Story Tuesday, I Shall Write About The Lord

The one thing I can count on when people learn about my gifts (aside, that is, from the inevitable looks of disbelief, fear, or delight) is the eventual question, “how does faith/spirituality/religion fit into all of this?” Well, I’ll tell you how it fits into all of this for me.
I want to say, first, that I believe that the most beautiful (if not equally frustrating) thing about my gifts is that I simply don’t fully understand them. Why me? What, exactly, am I supposed to do with all of this? What does it mean? How far can I stretch myself? What can I accomplish? How? Now, after many years, I’ve been able to embrace those questions as proof of endless possibilities. Never, ever in this lifetime do I want to know everything there is to know about my gifts. I want to learn more, always. But I know there will always be something more. And that, to me, is wonderful.
After many years of struggling with my beliefs and spirituality, I’ve finally settled into a similar space. Who is God? What is God? How, when, where is God? What is God to me? How do I reconcile all of the different religions? Which one is right? How do we know? Well, I believe this:
We don’t. We just don’t know. Nobody does.
After I realized that, I decided to try and figure out what I believe. First I took what I do know:
There is something more than this…more than all of this we see around us. So much more…so much that is bigger than us.
I feel a connection to that.
Humans, in their quest for understanding, have tried to make sense of things they don’t understand by explaining them. We like to place rules around things to gain control over them, don’t we?
Organized religion, so far, just isn’t for me. I’ve tried it. Lots. I went to Sunday School as a kid. Heck, I taught a Sunday School class when I was older. I went to church. I sung in the choir. But, even as a young girl, I could never fully commit. I knew there were many religions, and I wanted to learn about them, too. I wanted to keep an open mind, and I found that that was sometimes hard in church. In University, my wonderful friend encouraged me to try her church. Open to new things, I agreed. I sung in the choir, I went every Sunday…but try as I might, I was uncomfortable. I didn’t like that women seemed to be second class to men. I didn’t like that I was “immoral” because I lived with Jim (whom I was only engaged to, and not married to, at the time). It just didn’t seem right…and when I was told that I was working with the Devil when I used my gifts, I cried.
I think that for some, organized religion is wonderful. I think it provides a support system, a family, and a comfortable set of parameters to live your life by…it makes you feel good, and safe, and assured that someone is taking care of you. And that everything in life has a reason. That feels good.
But I can’t ignore all those questions…all that unanswered stuff, you know? For me, the not knowing and accepting that is better than trying to explain it away just so I can feel comfortable.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t know what’s “right”. But now, I know what’s right for me.
I believe in God. I don’t know exactly what God is, but I believe in God. I love God. I feel God around me every day. I see God in my children’s eyes and in the sunlight and in the rain. I see God in tragedy and miracle alike. In life, in death, and in the quest for more. I have a beautiful relationship with God. God guides me and teaches me, and I listen and question. I live my life believing that every decision is important, that someday every decision I make will be reflected back to me, so I make my decisions very carefully. I try to be a good person, and I try to improve my failings.
I talk to God every day.
I don’t know why I have gifts, but I’m sure it’s the same reason that a singer has the gift of a beautiful voice. Or a scientist has their gifts. I think we have to take our gifts, whatever they are, and use them for good.
Simple, isn’t it?
I have lots of questions. I’m going to learn for the rest of this life, and I’m going to keep learning when I die. While I’m learning, I’m going to try and live my life in a good, productive way. I’m going to talk to God, and I’m going to learn. I’m going to use my gifts, and learn. I’m also going to teach what I’ve learned. I’m going to be open-minded, and I’m going to be ok with not knowing. I’m going to be accepting of others and their beliefs, and expect the same in return. That’s all.


Last night in therapy, something amazing happened! My therapist started talking about meditation and related techniques I could use to relax. Somehow my decision NOT to tell her about my gifts dissolved, and I told her. I did get the looks, but they were surprisingly positive. I think it’s safe to say she was thrilled. She opened her purse and handed me a brochure. It described a similar energy work technique to what I do. She had gone for a session a few weeks ago!
She suggested that this is something I should focus on when I’m healthy. Something I should do for a living! She said local clinics would let me work from there.
I’m so excited! I’m so pumped!
And oh yeah…I have found a new respect for my therapist.
I know I could do it…make this my work. I have to do it right, though, and I’m not sure what’s right yet. I’ll figure it out!
Thank you for your support…and for letting me use this blog as a place I can talk about it!
Oh! She agreed that my gifts contribute to my anxiety. I have to look into this more. Interesting that my sister and brother also have gifts and also have anxiety issues. Hmmmm.


At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've decided to believe in aliens. yepo it all makes sense now. lol
i dont use the word 'god' for anything or to address anyone/anything..coz i just don't know who or what this 'god' fellow is... i just know there are energies out there, forces or whatever, that are strong. but where they come from i'll never know. i remember sunday school and i jus never could full get 'into' it..i use to go to church sometimes with a friend and just felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE, i'm sorry but to me church feels like some sort of cult..but whatever..whatever makes people happy

your alien lovin sister, jen

At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Crystal said...

Delurking again..I grew up Catholic, visited other churches as an adult, and came to pretty much the same conclusion as you have. I too was uncomfortable going to church, and a lot of the people there just seemed fake to me. They very well may have been sincere, but the way they were acting just left me cold. Some people just don't understand that I can get more out of 5 minutes of meditation/prayer than warming a pew for an hour every Sunday morning. Thanks for sharing your views on this subject.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Liz said...

Okay -- I commented and deleted it because it sounded stupid -- I didn't realize it would just sit there saying I deleted it. Sorry -- that looks creepy! I just basically agree with Crystal. Can't seem to find a church that "speaks" to me. Maybe I'll just homeschool the boys in religion. And I also wanted to say that I think it would be awesome if you could make a career out of your gift.

At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Jo said...

I so love to read what you write.

And I am loving your therapist for being so positive!

So I should badger you for a reading now?! Before you turn professional and start charging enormous amounts and become a multi-millionaire and famous ALL over the world, going by the stage name of Mystic Tree?!

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Diana said...

I decided a while ago to stop going to church, because by my observations the people IN the church were doing the same things as the people they looked down on, just in secret.
I wrote an entry for Ghost Story Tuesday...finally. Stop by, maybe you can help me figure some things out.
And Liam's post yesterday...loved it. He's gorgeous.

At 6:10 PM, Blogger mama_tulip said...

This was a beautiful post.

At 4:06 PM, Blogger MomSquared said...

Your therapist sounds really cool..

At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tree--I have some major questions for you and would love to get an e-mail so we can talk my addy is s j ballance at yahoo dot com.

I've always had gifts but about a year ago they kind of exploded and I've been kind of wondering about what to do with them and how to controll them.

Thanks for any advice you may have to offer.


PS--I have anxiety/depression issues too! I'm on lexapro and colonzapan. Grrrreaaaatt!!!



At 5:21 PM, Blogger Jennboree said...

Your post was awesome and really kind of what I expected. I feel exactly the same way and I think that's a big reason I've never closed the door to the possibility that psychic abilities exist.

It is human nature to want to know absolutely everything so when we make peace with the fact that we never will, we can live a more full life.

And YAY on the therapy session! I'm glad you clued her in about your gift, it is such a huge part of who you are!

At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

You have no idea how much I'd love to have coffee with you.


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