Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Monday, April 23, 2007

The Child, He is Adorable

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Fotography is Phun

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Holy Crap

Big time poopin' going on over here lately. Want me to tell you about it?
Hmmmmm what else has been happening lately?
Oh I know! Liam and the barfing!
Don't want to hear about that either, huh?
*scratches head*
Well we went to the bank today to talk about buying houses and wow. WOW I say. I am...well, I don't think disheartened is the about anxious? Yes, that seems appropriate. I am anxious. I want this to be done with, but I want it done right, so I'm being patient and getting all the details and blah blah blah my brain hurts. The downside is that we're rather low on options. The upside is that because we're so low on options, our path seems relatively clear. Now to get to it.
I may just need to cry a bit. You know how you just need to cry sometimes? You do, right? I'll cry and I'll feel better and then I can get online and start looking for my new home. Our new home. For me and my family.
Okay this is sounding better.
Have to go change another diaper...

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Delayed Reaction

When the boys and I talked about the separation and upcoming move, Caleb was visibly, though briefly, upset. A boy so similar to his mother, he is. He cried and asked the most pressing questions. Expressed his concerns - mostly about the move - and likewise his excitement over the prospects of having TWO BEDROOMS! We talked about Mark and he expressed his approval...and then made thoughtful suggestions about who we should fix Jim up with. Then he declared he was okay. Since then, he mentions it whenever he feels the need and asks questions when they pop into his head. I like that reaction. I understand it.

Here is what happened with Aidan:

Me: Do you understand, honey? What Caleb and I were talking about?

Aidan: Huh?

Me: About me and Daddy, and how we're just friends now? And that we'll be moving pretty soon?

Aidan: Oh. Can I have some chocolate from my Easter basket, Mom?

I gave him his chocolate, and asked him if he had any questions. He shook his head, smiling and shoving more chocolate into his mouth.

This reaction I was uncomfortable with. Yeah, he's not even five years old yet. Maybe he doesn't get it. Or maybe it's true what they know, about kids being so adaptive. Or (and truly, this is the one I really believed) maybe he's more like Jim. Gets the facts and moves on. Then ruminates, and maybe later has something to say. Or not.

He's been fine since then. Normal, happy, beautiful Aidan. We've carried on as usual. Then today, I returned home after being out, and peeked into his room, where he laid in his bed, awake instead of napping as he was supposed to have been doing.

I said hi and told him he should be sleeping.

He said hi and stared at me blankly.

I told him I loved him and turned to walk away.

He said, "Mom?"

I went in the room a bit, because he sounded strangely shaky.

"I missed you..." he started to cry and buried his face in his pillow, and my heart broke a little.

I gave him a hug and told him that I was here now; that when he woke up, Daddy would be gone and I'd be there instead. That we were taking turns. He looked at me, waiting for me to say more. I asked him if he remembered what we talked about...about moving soon. He said he did. He asked me if I had been at Mark's and I nodded. He smiled and I did, too, because he remembered that, too. And it made him smile. Then he asked if I was sure he was going to get to have two bedrooms.

Isn't it amazing how every decision we make has a ripple effect? You think you're making the decision for yourself and your family...but really, it affects so many others. Friends have commented that my decisions have affected their own in similar situations. Family members have asked how I could do this when Jim and I were their role models. Co-workers have offered advice, gone away, and then come back days later to tell me that they can't get what I'm going through off their mind and they want to change their advice.

I blog about it, and people...people I know and love and people I've never met and people I've only met because I blog...people sort of...rally. Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post, and to those to emailed, too.

Things are moving in the moving category. We're going to do this. I'm scared out of my mind. But guess what? I'm excited, too.

Monday, April 09, 2007

You Asked...


Okay so you asked some questions. And I believe I shall answer most of them.

First: Sam! Sammy! Sam I love you! Don’t be sad alla time. Why you sad? Stopit. StopitIloveyou! I know, easier said than done…but know that you’re loved, girl. You deserve happiness.

Okay the separation:

Justabout30 asks: When? Why? How?

I say: Well doesn’t that just cover a LOT of ground? I’ll be brief.

When: Nearly a year ago.

Why: Oh God. Okay well it’s hard to be brief here. There are a million reasons and yet I can’t bundle them all up into one neat answer for you. Jim’s a great man…a wonderful father, an excellent friend, and just generally a good person all around. But we aren’t compatible as a couple. Never have been, really. Without going into too much detail (partly out of respect for Jim and partly because it’s unnecessary) I’ll just say that we’ve never really gotten along(Jim has asked me to add that there indeed were some good times sprinkled in there, too. Fair enough. :) )…AND we’re both REALLY stubborn. We decided when we were very young that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together no matter what. Even if we…didn’t…really…want…to. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? We were young. Very young…and my parents were divorced when I was twelve. I was determined not to do that. What I lacked, though, was the wisdom to be determined not to be unhappy…
We don’t want to be miserable anymore…I don’t want to be miserable and I don’t want Jim to be miserable.

How: We’ve talked about it for years. When we finally decided to do it, we determined some things…some rules, I guess. First, the kids were and are and always will be priority number one. All of our decisions take them into careful consideration. We decided to live together for a while (for as long as we could stand it, really! Haha) and raise the kids together, for example. Second, we determined to be 100% honest with each other…and to respect each other’s feelings and needs. So far, it’s worked very well. Third, we decided the practical things like how we’d split up our time with the kids and our time outside the house. In the beginning, we weren’t sure of the days we’d need, but we decided we’d be allowed equal time away from the home to go out with friends or date or play sports or whatever. Fairness is important to us. Sounds easy, huh? It hasn’t been. It’s been very tough. I was physically ill for months afterward. The discussions that Jim and I had/have are hard. And getting to these nice conclusions has sometimes taken weeks. The good thing is that both of us have always wanted to work very hard to do this right. If only we knew what “right” is…if there’s one thing I’ve learned through this, it’s that things you thought were black and white seem to turn to different shades of grey…nothing seems solid anymore…

mamatulip wants to know if we’re all okay. We are. It’s hard, but it’s right. Jim and I get along better since the pressure of trying to make a doomed relationship work has been lifted. The kids are happy…as happy as ever. Maybe more. I am. Thank you, mamatulip. You’re sweet.

Anonymous asks: Is there someone else?

I say: Yes. Yes there is. And I’m smiling as I write this. It’s new, still, and I’m holding it very close to me. I find myself in disbelief sometimes, that I’ve been so lucky to find someone like him. Now I think you’re asking all kinds of questions. You want to know if Jim knows. Yes he does, and he has from the start of it a few months ago. What about the kids, you ask? They know, too. They adore him. You have more questions, huh? Ask, if you like. That’s all I’ll say for now.

Another anonymous says: had a friend do the same, leave her partner after 16 years; i am curious how women are so confused for so long about who they are ... and how that changes...?

I say: Obviously I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I will say that I wouldn’t call myself confused. I think I’d say I was determined…stubborn…maybe a little blind. Jim and I were together for 17 years. I was 14 when we got together. And like I said; Jim’s a great guy! We tried really hard for a really long time, but you know what? People don’t change. We’re both good people, Jim and I…but we’re two people that shouldn’t be together, and no amount of counselling or discussions or date nights is going to fix that.
I’ll also say that I’ve always known who I am…and I’ve always known that Jim and I aren’t great as a couple. But let’s go back to that stubborn thing. I was determined that it would work, and so was he. But staying together just to stay together…well it isn’t a good reason to stay together!

Now I’ll tell you that I’ve painted a rather nice picture here. Explained things pretty well, I think…but like I said, it’s been tough. And because I was the one who finally said, “ENOUGH”, it’s been tougher on Jim. I’m sad about that. I’ve also lost a friend and a relative because they simply cannot understand what we’re going through.

So there we are. I’m so conflicted about whether hitting that “publish” button. This is my story (well, Jim’s very much involved, so I’ve let him read this first) and I know that sharing it invites comments and advice and whatever. But if you are going to comment, I’ll ask you to keep a couple of things in mind: if you’ve never been through this before (and even if you have, but you were in a different situation, which you most likely were, because let’s face it, no two situations are exactly alike), you simply cannot understand it. I remember when I was quick to judge people’s decisions…that was back when things seemed so black and white, you know? So clear-cut. But things aren’t like that in reality…
Also, I’m posting this for people who know us and love us and are a little confused. I hope this makes things a little more clear.
And…things are okay! Things are BETTER than before. We have plans for the future and we’re working together. We’re not good at the spouse thing but we’ve got the parenting thing down.

To those of you who are concerned: thank you! I love you! And…don’t worry!

So much for being brief, eh?

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart

My firstborn is eight.

I'm too exhausted to try and articulate what this this makes me feel. So, I give you his birthday in pictures.

And I say Happy Birthday, my dear, sweet boy. Boy of my heart.

I love you.


He bowls. A picture of grace, is he not?

Aidan is a freakishly good bowler...

And he had a marvellous time dancing with an older woman.

Caleb influences the ball through telekinesis.

A good time was had by all...

...even Liam, who was far too small to bowl. Instead, he danced.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Perhaps I Need to Start Writing Things Down

The tooth fairy often forgets to come to our house.

Well, she forgot once, and the other two times, she probably couldn't find Caleb's teeth because they were too far under the pillow.

But she's magic, Mom, says Caleb, why can't she just use magic to get my tooth?
I try to look calm, but thoughtful. Inside, I'm freaking out a little.

Well maybe she just couldn't reach it! I say, elated that I've come up with a plausible explanation. Maybe you had it too close to the wall...fairies are small, you know..." I finish, feeling smug.

But they have wings. Couldn't she just fly over me if it was too close to the wall?
I look into those eyes...and remember being a kid and knowing that the tooth fairy was actually my Mom. I remember testing her, as Caleb is testing me.

Huh, I say, turning away to pour some cereal, I don't know, bud. I don't know the tooth fairy.
I feel like such a tool.

That was last time.

Yesterday, when Caleb lost his first molar, I was excited to remedy past errors. I would not make the same mistake! When he went to bed, I followed. I suggested he put the tooth as close to the edge of the bed as possible, so the tooth fairy could reach it. He complied happily.
Satisfied, I went about my evening, secure in the knowledge that I would restore Caleb's faith in something magical, and perhaps repair my own faith in my mothering abilities.

Ha ha.

This morning, I flipped on the light in the boy's room, and in the instant that I loudly proclaimed, "Time to get up, boys!" I realized that the tooth fairy had forgotten to come.

Frigging tooth fairy!

What happened next was so beautifully executed that you may feel some overwhelming admiration for me, so brace yourself.

I leaped over plastic knights and Pokemon, and weaved my way deftly around the castle and the light sabre. I negotiated a stealthy path through that room like nobody's business, and grabbed that tooth as Caleb sleepily rolled away from me.

"Good morning, honey!" I enthused, smiling painfully even though he wasn't looking at me.

I was out of the room and down the stairs in seconds, rummaging through Jim's change dish (uh...ha ha! Sorry, Jim!) and noting that my heart was hammering with a ferocity that was rather invigorating.

Back up the stairs, and through the obstacle course that is Caleb and Aidan's room, and I once again stood by the bed, panting but feeling rather happy. He was still facing the wall, stretching.

YES! Nearly there!

I waited a millisecond. The triumph of it all felt just so-oh good. Then he rolled over and reached upward. Reached for his prize.

A few of things could have happened here. He could have found nothing and I could have spontaneously combusted as a result. He could have found nothing and begin to search frantically, only to find the money in my hand. I could have tried to zip the money under the pillow and then remove my hand...a rather obvious blunder.
But what DID happen was that I exclaimed, "Caleb! Look what you got!" I gazed with great intensity at the upper corner of his pillow, then reached up with the hand containing the money, turning it over after it had appeared that I had grabbed it and revealing what I'd "found".

I am a magician. Yes I am!

His face lit up, and I felt the weight of past tooth fairy mishaps melt away.

All was good in the world.


...halfway through breakfast, Caleb, looking thoughtful, said, "MOM! Just before you came in my room this morning, my tooth was still there...and then it turned to money is that possible?"

And I exploded.



Hi! I didn't forget to answer your questions! I'm going to, I promise. Soon!