Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Whaddaya Wanna Know?

Yeah so I was wrong.
I thought that when I wrote about the separation, my ambivalence about not being able to write whatever I wanted would disappear and the veritable floodgates would open!
It WAS a relief to write it.
But now I'm stuck.
I've started three posts about the separation now, and subsequently deleted them all without ceremony.
I dunno.
I want to write about it, but maybe I've missed the boat or has been nearly a year...where do I start? Do I just pick up now and write about how things are now? Or do I go back and explain from the start? I've tried both. Neither works.
Do you wanna know? WHAT do you wanna know? It's not like it's all a big secret; it's really not. I've never been a private person. Haha. A fault, maybe...
Anyway, you ask, I'll tell. email me, or comment. Whatever. If you don't ask, I'll just assume I'm just being a weirdo about all of this and I should just...write about my kids know...the stuff that I've always written about.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


You sung to me

You were scared I'd fall, so I sat on your knee, held up by your giant hands. I worked to hold my head up so I could see you. Look into your eyes; my eyes. I recognized me there.

Your arrival was a relief. Like I'd been waiting. It was a balm for my soul. Sister.

Your arrival was a gift, and it blesses me still, every day.

You made me feel safe when they couldn't.

You taught me to use my brain.

You taught me to use my heart.

You taught me to use my heart when my brain was weak, and to trust my gut when my heart was weak.

You forgave me.

You walked me to school when I was so, so terrified.

You understood my fear.

You loved me.

You looked at me like I was real...not just "poor" or "pretty" or "scared".

You followed me.

You let me cry.

You held my hand on the railroad tracks...and kissed me there.

You loved me when I wouldn't love you back.

You gave me everything.

You trusted me.

You encouraged me to be the best, and I was.

You looked at me and your eyes told me I was beautiful.

You grew within me.

You took the best part of me, and I gladly gave it. You love me better than anyone. You show me the worst and the best of me. You teach me. You stole my heart. You fill me up. Son.

You grew within me.

You drove me crazy. You nearly died. You nearly died again. And again. You amaze me every day, with your very presence. And astonish me with your joy of living. Son.

You grew within me.

You shocked me. You look like me. You have my temper. You squeeze my heart with your beauty. You have so much promise. Son.

You are quiet, but you are there.

You will always stand by me.

You are loyal.

You are unwilling to bend...but you expect me to.

You confuse me.

You tell me I'm beautiful.

You tell me I'm good.

You gave me a gift.

You sing to me, still...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Blue-Eyed Boy

The flu has been making it's way around our house like some evil gift that keeps on giving, and today, I've given in. Everything hurts, and I'm just letting it hurt. You know how, as parents, we tend to fight illness so we can hold everything together? That's been me the last week. Everyone save Aidan's been sick, and I have, too, but I've been carrying on as usual, for the most part.
But today it hit hard, and I've taken to my bed in surrender.
Most of the day has been spent sleeping or surfing the 'net or coughing or trying to hold really, really still so my skin will stop hurting.
Everyone else is home, too...the daycare is closed due to flu. Caleb is home due to flu. Jim is home due to my flu (he's all better).
So. Liam got it first, and as is common with babies, it's morphed into a throat infection. So he's been the unhappiest by far. And this has wreaked havoc on his sleep.
Oh God.
I did something bad.
So a few months ago Liam gave up his soother. It was a beautifully smooth process. There were some times of protest, yes, but nothing monumental. He was ready.
Then, with this flu, and the bad sleeping...well, I tried everything! Elevating his bed...humidifier...singing...extra long cuddles. Tylenol. Ibuprophen. Weed.
No I didn't!
Good grief.
Anyway, none of it worked, and I was feeling not so hot myself. So...well that soother was right there. What could it hurt?
Well I'll tell you what it hurt.
It hurt my BRAIN.
Several days later, he is feeling better and we've reclaimed the soother.
This has made him scream.
I have never heard a child scream so consistently and for such lengthy periods of time.
He hates me and he should. It's my fault! But ooooh the pain.
Then, today, I told Jim to bring Liam upstairs while he made supper. I would entertain the child. I could do that! I put some music on and he danced and pretended to fall which is his latest trick, and we flipped through some books and ate some chips.
Mmmmmmm, chips.
He got off the bed and ran around, then got on the bed, then got off the bed and continued this routine quite merrily while I tried not to die from exhaustion.
It was fun.
First of all, what in the name of all that is good and riteous was that soother doing on my floor? Forget'd it get into my room? Seriously. I have no idea.
So THEN, he saw it. His soother.
And just as he was popping it into his tiny, o-shaped mouth, I took it away.
Ouch did that just tear your heart a little bit?
Mine, too!
And his.
I tried to talk to him about it but try reasoning with a 20 month-old.
He stood beside me and, screamed...piteously while I tried to ply him with chips and books and music.
I so wanted to just let him have it.
His eyes are SO BLUE!
But I didn't and he hates me still.
Parenting is fun.
I am so depressed.

It's Out

Jim and I are separated.
Ahhhhhh that feels good to write.
And now, it's okay to write about it.
I won't say much for now except that we've been separated for nearly 10 months, we still live together right now, we're still great friends, we're doing well, and we're trying to work this out in the best way possible for everyone, especially these three beautiful little boys of ours.
Even after Jim told his parents (hi parents in-law! I love you!), I wasn't sure if I'd write about it here because it IS personal. And a lot of it will be controversial. But good grief, if there's anyone out there going through something similar, I'd love to hear from you.
And maybe what I say can help someone.
And goshdarnit, I have to write
It's been a very rough time, but it's good. It's right. And...
I'm happy.