Delayed Reaction

When the boys and I talked about the separation and upcoming move, Caleb was visibly, though briefly, upset. A boy so similar to his mother, he is. He cried and asked the most pressing questions. Expressed his concerns - mostly about the move - and likewise his excitement over the prospects of having TWO BEDROOMS! We talked about Mark and he expressed his approval...and then made thoughtful suggestions about who we should fix Jim up with. Then he declared he was okay. Since then, he mentions it whenever he feels the need and asks questions when they pop into his head. I like that reaction. I understand it.

Here is what happened with Aidan:

Me: Do you understand, honey? What Caleb and I were talking about?

Aidan: Huh?

Me: About me and Daddy, and how we're just friends now? And that we'll be moving pretty soon?

Aidan: Oh. Can I have some chocolate from my Easter basket, Mom?

I gave him his chocolate, and asked him if he had any questions. He shook his head, smiling and shoving more chocolate into his mouth.

This reaction I was uncomfortable with. Yeah, he's not even five years old yet. Maybe he doesn't get it. Or maybe it's true what they say...you know, about kids being so adaptive. Or (and truly, this is the one I really believed) maybe he's more like Jim. Gets the facts and moves on. Then ruminates, and maybe later has something to say. Or not.

He's been fine since then. Normal, happy, beautiful Aidan. We've carried on as usual. Then today, I returned home after being out, and peeked into his room, where he laid in his bed, awake instead of napping as he was supposed to have been doing.

I said hi and told him he should be sleeping.

He said hi and stared at me blankly.

I told him I loved him and turned to walk away.

He said, "Mom?"

I went in the room a bit, because he sounded strangely shaky.

"I missed you..." he started to cry and buried his face in his pillow, and my heart broke a little.

I gave him a hug and told him that I was here now; that when he woke up, Daddy would be gone and I'd be there instead. That we were taking turns. He looked at me, waiting for me to say more. I asked him if he remembered what we talked about...about moving soon. He said he did. He asked me if I had been at Mark's and I nodded. He smiled and I did, too, because he remembered that, too. And it made him smile. Then he asked if I was sure he was going to get to have two bedrooms.

Isn't it amazing how every decision we make has a ripple effect? You think you're making the decision for yourself and your family...but really, it affects so many others. Friends have commented that my decisions have affected their own in similar situations. Family members have asked how I could do this when Jim and I were their role models. Co-workers have offered advice, gone away, and then come back days later to tell me that they can't get what I'm going through off their mind and they want to change their advice.

I blog about it, and people...people I know and love and people I've never met and people I've only met because I blog...people sort of...rally. Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post, and to those to emailed, too.

Things are moving in the moving category. We're going to do this. I'm scared out of my mind. But guess what? I'm excited, too.