Moved

I've been writing here.

Happy Mother's Day

The Child, He is Adorable

Fotography is Phun

Holy Crap

Big time poopin' going on over here lately. Want me to tell you about it?
No?
Hmmmmm what else has been happening lately?
Oh I know! Liam and the barfing!
Don't want to hear about that either, huh?
Hrm.
*scratches head*
Well we went to the bank today to talk about buying houses and wow. WOW I say. I am...well, I don't think disheartened is the word...how about anxious? Yes, that seems appropriate. I am anxious. I want this to be done with, but I want it done right, so I'm being patient and getting all the details and blah blah blah my brain hurts. The downside is that we're rather low on options. The upside is that because we're so low on options, our path seems relatively clear. Now to get to it.
I may just need to cry a bit. You know how you just need to cry sometimes? You do, right? I'll cry and I'll feel better and then I can get online and start looking for my new home. Our new home. For me and my family.
Okay this is sounding better.
Have to go change another diaper...

Delayed Reaction

When the boys and I talked about the separation and upcoming move, Caleb was visibly, though briefly, upset. A boy so similar to his mother, he is. He cried and asked the most pressing questions. Expressed his concerns - mostly about the move - and likewise his excitement over the prospects of having TWO BEDROOMS! We talked about Mark and he expressed his approval...and then made thoughtful suggestions about who we should fix Jim up with. Then he declared he was okay. Since then, he mentions it whenever he feels the need and asks questions when they pop into his head. I like that reaction. I understand it.

Here is what happened with Aidan:

Me: Do you understand, honey? What Caleb and I were talking about?

Aidan: Huh?

Me: About me and Daddy, and how we're just friends now? And that we'll be moving pretty soon?

Aidan: Oh. Can I have some chocolate from my Easter basket, Mom?

I gave him his chocolate, and asked him if he had any questions. He shook his head, smiling and shoving more chocolate into his mouth.

This reaction I was uncomfortable with. Yeah, he's not even five years old yet. Maybe he doesn't get it. Or maybe it's true what they say...you know, about kids being so adaptive. Or (and truly, this is the one I really believed) maybe he's more like Jim. Gets the facts and moves on. Then ruminates, and maybe later has something to say. Or not.

He's been fine since then. Normal, happy, beautiful Aidan. We've carried on as usual. Then today, I returned home after being out, and peeked into his room, where he laid in his bed, awake instead of napping as he was supposed to have been doing.

I said hi and told him he should be sleeping.

He said hi and stared at me blankly.

I told him I loved him and turned to walk away.

He said, "Mom?"

I went in the room a bit, because he sounded strangely shaky.

"I missed you..." he started to cry and buried his face in his pillow, and my heart broke a little.

I gave him a hug and told him that I was here now; that when he woke up, Daddy would be gone and I'd be there instead. That we were taking turns. He looked at me, waiting for me to say more. I asked him if he remembered what we talked about...about moving soon. He said he did. He asked me if I had been at Mark's and I nodded. He smiled and I did, too, because he remembered that, too. And it made him smile. Then he asked if I was sure he was going to get to have two bedrooms.

Isn't it amazing how every decision we make has a ripple effect? You think you're making the decision for yourself and your family...but really, it affects so many others. Friends have commented that my decisions have affected their own in similar situations. Family members have asked how I could do this when Jim and I were their role models. Co-workers have offered advice, gone away, and then come back days later to tell me that they can't get what I'm going through off their mind and they want to change their advice.

I blog about it, and people...people I know and love and people I've never met and people I've only met because I blog...people sort of...rally. Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post, and to those to emailed, too.

Things are moving in the moving category. We're going to do this. I'm scared out of my mind. But guess what? I'm excited, too.

You Asked...

Well!

Okay so you asked some questions. And I believe I shall answer most of them.

First: Sam! Sammy! Sam I love you! Don’t be sad alla time. Why you sad? Stopit. StopitIloveyou! I know, easier said than done…but know that you’re loved, girl. You deserve happiness.

Okay the separation:

Justabout30 asks: When? Why? How?

I say: Well doesn’t that just cover a LOT of ground? I’ll be brief.

When: Nearly a year ago.

Why: Oh God. Okay well it’s hard to be brief here. There are a million reasons and yet I can’t bundle them all up into one neat answer for you. Jim’s a great man…a wonderful father, an excellent friend, and just generally a good person all around. But we aren’t compatible as a couple. Never have been, really. Without going into too much detail (partly out of respect for Jim and partly because it’s unnecessary) I’ll just say that we’ve never really gotten along(Jim has asked me to add that there indeed were some good times sprinkled in there, too. Fair enough. :) )…AND we’re both REALLY stubborn. We decided when we were very young that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together no matter what. Even if we…didn’t…really…want…to. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? We were young. Very young…and my parents were divorced when I was twelve. I was determined not to do that. What I lacked, though, was the wisdom to be determined not to be unhappy…
We don’t want to be miserable anymore…I don’t want to be miserable and I don’t want Jim to be miserable.

How: We’ve talked about it for years. When we finally decided to do it, we determined some things…some rules, I guess. First, the kids were and are and always will be priority number one. All of our decisions take them into careful consideration. We decided to live together for a while (for as long as we could stand it, really! Haha) and raise the kids together, for example. Second, we determined to be 100% honest with each other…and to respect each other’s feelings and needs. So far, it’s worked very well. Third, we decided the practical things like how we’d split up our time with the kids and our time outside the house. In the beginning, we weren’t sure of the days we’d need, but we decided we’d be allowed equal time away from the home to go out with friends or date or play sports or whatever. Fairness is important to us. Sounds easy, huh? It hasn’t been. It’s been very tough. I was physically ill for months afterward. The discussions that Jim and I had/have are hard. And getting to these nice conclusions has sometimes taken weeks. The good thing is that both of us have always wanted to work very hard to do this right. If only we knew what “right” is…if there’s one thing I’ve learned through this, it’s that things you thought were black and white seem to turn to different shades of grey…nothing seems solid anymore…

mamatulip wants to know if we’re all okay. We are. It’s hard, but it’s right. Jim and I get along better since the pressure of trying to make a doomed relationship work has been lifted. The kids are happy…as happy as ever. Maybe more. I am. Thank you, mamatulip. You’re sweet.

Anonymous asks: Is there someone else?

I say: Yes. Yes there is. And I’m smiling as I write this. It’s new, still, and I’m holding it very close to me. I find myself in disbelief sometimes, that I’ve been so lucky to find someone like him. Now I think you’re asking all kinds of questions. You want to know if Jim knows. Yes he does, and he has from the start of it a few months ago. What about the kids, you ask? They know, too. They adore him. You have more questions, huh? Ask, if you like. That’s all I’ll say for now.

Another anonymous says: had a friend do the same, leave her partner after 16 years; i am curious how women are so confused for so long about who they are ... and how that changes...?

I say: Obviously I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I will say that I wouldn’t call myself confused. I think I’d say I was determined…stubborn…maybe a little blind. Jim and I were together for 17 years. I was 14 when we got together. And like I said; Jim’s a great guy! We tried really hard for a really long time, but you know what? People don’t change. We’re both good people, Jim and I…but we’re two people that shouldn’t be together, and no amount of counselling or discussions or date nights is going to fix that.
I’ll also say that I’ve always known who I am…and I’ve always known that Jim and I aren’t great as a couple. But let’s go back to that stubborn thing. I was determined that it would work, and so was he. But staying together just to stay together…well it isn’t a good reason to stay together!

Now I’ll tell you that I’ve painted a rather nice picture here. Explained things pretty well, I think…but like I said, it’s been tough. And because I was the one who finally said, “ENOUGH”, it’s been tougher on Jim. I’m sad about that. I’ve also lost a friend and a relative because they simply cannot understand what we’re going through.

So there we are. I’m so conflicted about whether hitting that “publish” button. This is my story (well, Jim’s very much involved, so I’ve let him read this first) and I know that sharing it invites comments and advice and whatever. But if you are going to comment, I’ll ask you to keep a couple of things in mind: if you’ve never been through this before (and even if you have, but you were in a different situation, which you most likely were, because let’s face it, no two situations are exactly alike), you simply cannot understand it. I remember when I was quick to judge people’s decisions…that was back when things seemed so black and white, you know? So clear-cut. But things aren’t like that in reality…
Also, I’m posting this for people who know us and love us and are a little confused. I hope this makes things a little more clear.
And…things are okay! Things are BETTER than before. We have plans for the future and we’re working together. We’re not good at the spouse thing but we’ve got the parenting thing down.

To those of you who are concerned: thank you! I love you! And…don’t worry!

So much for being brief, eh?