The Child, He Cries

Liam has caught my cold. So sleep has been next to impossible. I thought of coming down to write a post at 4 this morning, but of course I was holding Liam so thought it best to stay put. I feel like holding Liam to try and get him to sleep is all I do lately. Yesterday, he cried unless I held him, and acted like I was trying to torture him when I offered him his lunch...and supper. And the poor kid tried so hard to eat his biscuit, but it got in the way of his crying (it was actually sort of comical to watch him stuff the biscuit in his mouth, suck wildly for a few seconds, then rip it out of his mouth so he could cry...repeatedly) so we trashed that idea quickly. I understand his crankiness; the sore throat and the low energy sucks. And the headache...oooooh the headache! Hard to entertain Caleb and Liam feeling like this, it is.

Anyway, let's talk about something else. Something more positive!
The bank lost a $300 cheque that we deposited.
Wait, that's no better! Let me think.
Some people I know are having babies! That is exciting. Eve has discovered she is having twins, which is just so cool. I only know her via our blogs and email, but I am just so excited for her I could jump up and down! Yes, even feeling this yucky! Congratulations, Eve. Kelly finds out soon what kind she's growing. And friends of ours (Jim works with the husband, Phil) are expecting near the end of the month.
See? I feel more cheerful already. Even Miss Zoot is talking about babies. Of course, all this baby-growing has made me think about what we're going to do. Meaning whether we're done or not. I probably just gave my Mother in-law (hi Mom!) a bit of arrhythmia, so let me just say that right now, especially right now, I feel done. But on the good days, I feel not done. Jim, too. We go back and forth. On the pros side, we make lovely children. And we love being parents...we're good at it! We'd love to try for that elusive girl, but honestly another boy would be just fine, too. We'd LOVE another. If it weren't for the cons, I think I'd be pregnant already.
Hmm. Wow, did it ever snow here last night!!
Eh? Oh, the cons? You are so quick. I thought I'd be able to skip over those. Ok well the cons list is a touch longer than the pros:
-Kids are expensive
-I don't know what would happen with my job if I got pregnant again, especially if it were soon-ish
-Four kids. I repeat: FOUR kids.
-The big one: I have difficult pregnancies. The first resulted in my beautiful Caleb, 7 weeks early after a 3 week hospital stay. The last two included four months of bedrest (EACH), depression requiring drugs (with Aidan), contractions from the start to the finish of the pregnancies, preterm labour, nearly having Aidan at 24 weeks, 6 days, insulin-treated gestational diabetes...etc. And that's just my side of things. Jim has to take on the entire gamut of responsibilities including...well, including everything. Not only did he have to take on all child care, work a full-time job, worry about the car, the house, the bills, and preparing for the baby, but he had to prepare all of my meals and take care of me. I was not depressed while pregnant with Liam, but I know the strain of my depression while pregnant with Aidan took its toll on Jim. If we were to try for another, Jim would have to take care of three kids. And what if I got depressed again?
All of that said, let it be known that my pregnancy with Liam was the best of the three. I seem to be getting better at it. I have a theory about that, including what the heck is wrong with my uterus, but I won't bore you with that today. Anyway, only threatened preterm labour with Liam, not actual preterm labour. No depression. And we had to induce labour at 38 weeks, 2 days, otherwise I would have gone all the way, baby (induced because of the gest. diabetes). And bedrest wasn't horrible, if you can believe it. I read about 30 books, I drew a lot, and I crocheted! I watched movies, wrote letters to my Mom, and kept a journal. I did not obsess over the contractions.
I must stop now, as I could go on forever. But these things are on my mind as of late. Incidentally, although the pros list is much shorter than the cons list, the emotional qualities attached to it are much more compelling, n'est ce pas? I don't know what we'll do, and for now, that's ok. We'll decide when it's time to decide. Until then, I will rejoice in the joys and blessings of my friends.
And bury my face in my baby's neck, eyes closed, inhaling.

I have so many blessings, too.

~~~~~~~

Later:

I came down from putting the baby to bed and Caleb was running around with a rubber ball. I believe he is becoming bored here at home. Anyway, moments later, he sidled up to my chiar, and said, "Look, Mom! I have a big penis!" Horrified, I looked. He had put the ball down his pants and was brandishing his new package proudly.

It was very, very hard not to giggle as I lectured him on proper etiquette.