Crazy-ass family

You just can't make this stuff up

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Letter To Archippos Shellenbarger

EXHIBIT A: Letter from a Mr. Archippos Shellenbarger

Dea w r Home O h wne f r ,
Your c j red k it doesn't matter to us ! If you OW q N real e m st q at r e and want I k MME h DIAT i E ca e sh to sp k en d d ANY way you like, or simply wish to L a OWER your monthly p w aymen w ts by a third or more, here are the d m eals we have T a OD r AY : $ 4 n 88 , 000 at a 3 , 6 p 7% f h ixed - ra f te $ 37 x 2 , 000 at a 3 j , 90% va f riabl n e - ra k te $ 49 s 2 , 000 at a 3 o , 21% inte a res j t - only $ 24 z 8 , 000 at a 3 m , 36% fi v xed - rat i e $ 1 u 98 , 000 at a 3 , 5 x 5% va e riable - rat j e Hu z rry, when these de g aIs are gone, they are gone ! Don't worry about a f ppro v val, your c i red e it will not d m isqualif l y you !
Vi g si j t our s o ite
Archippos Shellenbarger
Ap w prova u l Manager.


Dear Mr. Shellenbarger,
Today I write in the hopes that, by some lucky twist of fate, you will end up reading this. You see, you did not leave a reply address (I'm sure this was a non-deliberate oversight on your part), so I am left with no choice but to post this on my blog, flinging it to the metaphorical wind, and hoping it finds its way to you.
The first time I received a letter from you (such as the one displayed in EXHIBIT A), I passed it off as a mistake. Sort of like a wrong number. And I ignored it. I'm sorry! But who can blame me, with the incredibly high incidence of spam floating around and bombarding us every day? Now that I have heard from you several times, however, I believe I am beginning to see the truth.
Before I go on, Archie (can I call you Archie?), I feel it only fair that I correct you on an important point: my name is Theresa. Some people call me Tree. You may call me Tree, if you like. My name is not Home Ohwnefr. That's ok! No need to apologize; I'm bad with names, too. But if this is not a simple oversight, and you did indeed mean to reach this Home Ohwnefr, then perhaps we can hope that this letter will reach him (or her?) as well.
Now then. As I perused your letter, I must say that, aside from utter and almost overwhelming confusion, my first response was to be insulted. I mean, the first thing you say is that my cjredkit doesn't matter to you!
How can you say this? My cjredkit, I'll have you know, is very important to me! Without it, I would not have been able to have children! Nor would I be able to regulate my monthly cycles! It may not matter to you, but my cjredkit is very important to me, thank you very much!
And how did you know I call it a cjredkit? I thought I made that word up...
Anyway, as I proceeded through your letter, I became quite concerned about you. I say this with the utmost sincerity and desire to help: have you ever been tested for a learning disability? Many of your words are quite difficult to discern, and therefore I am sad to say that the purpose of your letter has escaped me completely. I do have some theories, though.
The numbers make me thing you are some sort of accountant. You must know that I very nearly took that same path! Are you trying to help me with math? Are you trying to tell me that I should have become an accountant?
The urgency of your letter seems to point to something else. Are you in some sort of trouble? This concerns me deeply: "...when these degaIs are gone, they are gone!" You sound so worried! I must admit, I have no idea what a degaI is, but it sounds like it is very important to you.
At a loss, I clicked on the link you provided (Vigsijt our soite) with the hope of gleaning some more information. Would you believe that that link brought me to a mortgage financing site?
More confused than ever, I decided to examine your letter some more. Perhaps this odd way of writing was a type of code! Indeed, the strategically-placed spaces and oddly mixed-up words seemed to mean something, but I just don't know what.
Ah, if only my I.Q. were higher...
Then, it hit me! Beneath your name is the title, "Apwprouval Manager." Could you be some sort of business person contacting me with the hope of peddling some form of good or service? This seems likely! I can believe this. And the frequency with which I receive your letters suggests the same.
Here is what I suggest to you, Archie. I suggest that you take a good look at your letter, and perhaps get an honest friend to look at it as well. We can all use some constructive criticism! Once you've determined the cause of your letter-writing problems, be it a rare form of dyslexia, a crushing hangover, or perhaps a faulty keyboard, I suggest you take care of that problem, and then give that letter another go! You can overcome your obstacles! You can reach your goals!
Until then, I truly hope that you have other ways of gaining customers because frankly, your letter blo q ws mo N key asQs.

Yours sincerely,

Home Ohwnefr
(Ha ha!)


Happy Birthday to me! I'm going to write my birthday post later.


At 10:55 AM, Blogger Jennboree said...


May you have a wonderfully fun, totally relaxing, sweets-eating day!

At least sweets-eating, k?

At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You crack me up. Ha!

I wish you a birthday filled with lots of fun, happiness, chocolate and people that you love. Oh, and presents!! (I heard that you are getting some from the man that you live with. But I don't know what they are. And if I did I wouldn't tell. Much.)

Jill xo

At 1:03 PM, Blogger MB said...


At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BONNE FETE TREE!! J'espère que tu passes une très belle journée!
-Marie-Josée Lamarche :)

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Odd Mix said...

Happy Birthday, Tree. You are too funny. Not that it will do any good, but I hope Archie gets your letter.

At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohmygoddddddddd hahahahahahahahahhahahaa
this is your sis, can u tell???HAHAH some of my junk mails sound as retarded as that...oh man lol
oh u can see my livejournal and can see the best pix taken from today, click on em for full size and i'm sure you can save em too :) happy b-day!!!!!!!!!!!! jenna

At 4:46 PM, Blogger Deb said...

Wishing you a lovely birthday!

At 9:43 PM, Blogger MomToTracyNSheri said...

Happy bwifgthyday!


At 10:18 PM, Blogger LoriLaurieLauri said...


Oh my God...I'm dying here! You are too fuckin' funny!

Oh...and Happy Birthday!!!

Whaddja get?

At 12:02 AM, Blogger The Mater said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:06 AM, Blogger The Mater said...

Ode to a Tree

I think that I shall never see
A psychic wiser than Ms. Tree
She can find so many ghosts
All about whom she later posts

In fact our gal is just so clever
With her out-of-sight endeavor
That she thrills us to no end
On Tuesdays with her shadowy friends

We who don’t possess her gift
May feel like we get short shrift
But being Tree can have its stress
She always has to prepare for guests

Can you imagine trying to do an energy read
With ancestral spirits letting you know their every need
Some may be polite and wait their turn
But others are pushy and have a lot to learn

Poor Tree does the best she can
While her boys and hubby try to understand
There are some nights she sets the table for more
Because you never know who’s coming through Tree's door

They don’t knock because they can’t
Tree has such good manners, she doesn’t rant
She lets them in one by one
They entertain and provide some fun

Just like guests which we can see
Ghosts who behave share Tree’s hospitality
But others who make too many demands
May be put in timeout ‘cause Tree’s in command

So dear Tree as you turn another year older
May those in your life make you feel warmer not colder
Remember that Love is the reason we’re here
Go gently, live kindly and you’ll have nothing to fear


At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

H3p phey Hbhewirth d e Y ; Spis tber@@!

Ghj ee ff

At 3:47 PM, Blogger LynAnne said...

Happy B-day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I about wet myself laughing so hard at your response to Mr. Shellenbarger! How classic!

At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Dad said...

Oh, my, you gave me such a good laugh, darlin. Hope you had a beautiful birthday.

At 10:24 PM, Blogger Brooke said...

LOVE your writing! And happy happy birthday!


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