This Is Me, The Coward
I think it's time to admit that I'm in some pretty heavy denial over the fact that I return to work in less than a month. I'm thinking of it more and more often as time pushes me along, but each time, my brain comforts me with assurances like, "but you could go part time! Yes, let's do that..." or, "but what if you do energy and medium work instead? You know you should...that's what you're supposed to do!" or, "come on, something's going to happen to prevent this from occurring! Let's be reasonable! You could win the lottery!"
Somehow, when my brain is saying these things to me, they sound very likely. And I am comforted and able to put the "Oh my GOD I have to go back to WORK soon" thought back in the Things That Give Me Panic Attacks file which I like to hide in the very back part of my brain.
But no matter how much I try to put May 1st off, it seems to be creeping up on me. Funny how time works, isn't it?
I had so many plans. I had good intentions. I was going to see a therapist and feel better. I was going to take medication and feel better. I was going to start weaning Liam. I was going to ease him into daycare slowly, starting last week, so we'd both be less traumatized. I was going to do ok with all of this!
Therapist: check. Is it helping? Not so much.
Medication: check. Is it helping? Hmmm...well, it helps me have diarrhea! Yeah, that's about it.
Weaning: oh man I just can't. My whole self rebels against it! Why deny my son when I'm right here? When my boobs are indeed available and have an abundance of milk? We haven't skipped a feed yet.
Easing into daycare: oh man. What if he doesn't sleep? Or eat? Or drink from his cup? Who am I kidding? He's NOT going to drink from his cup! What if he's unhappy? What if he gets sick? There was a stomach bug there last week and I had trouble even sending Aidan there this morning (see "Therapist" and "Medication," above). I'm supposed to bring Liam over for the afternoon. My brain just keeps saying comforting things.
Me being ok with all of this: hahahahahahahaha! So not ok over here.
But something is going to happen right? To make everything ok?
Right?
posted by Tree @ 8:58 AM
Nice Weather We're Having
8 Comments:
It is going to be okay. Definitely. One way or another, this will all work itself out.
Liam is a beautiful well-adjusted kid. He can handle a new environment. And his big brother is there. Who love that daycare, right?
You are going to be okay. I promise. Have faith. And whine as much as you need to!
Jill
Yes, yes, and right. It will turn out ok.
It WILL all work out, one way or the other.
The thing I want to know is, how long have you been on the meds so far? I can't quite remember when you started. If it's been about a month, and you're really not seeing a change, you need to try something else. Meds work/don't work differently on people. Ex: Welbutrin doesn't work on Steven the way it works on me, and the stuff he takes doesn't work for me. It can really be hit and miss. Talk to your therapist/doctor about it.
You WILL be okay. All of you will! It is most likely going to be harder on you than Liam. Not that it is much comfort at the moment!
You're going to continue nursing when Liam's home, right? Your body will adjust, as will he.
All the changes will seem overwhelming at first but it will smooth out quickly!
Here's what is going to happen. It's all going to be fine! The first day will be difficult on you but Liam will be fine and you'll find yourself wondering a week or so later, what the hell was I worried about?
I went back to work after 9 weeks and bf for 12 more months. Do you have the type of work situation where you can pump?
Poor you. No denying it's going to be the toughest thing ever going back to work and May 1st is going to roll around way too quickly for you, no matter how tightly you screw your eyes closed and pretend it's not happening! I think it's the worst thing in the world, along with all the associated guilt. But you've managed it twice before, right? And you've all survived. And on the weaning front, you, Liam and those boobies will all adjust too! I managed to keep breastfeeding Alex (although only once a day towards the end) until he was a grand total of 14 months old. How's the sleeping and teething going by the way?!
Tree, that must be so heartwrenching! But I'm sure the ladies here are right, and that you and the boys will slip into a lovely new routine, and everything will be good again. And I hope you enjoy getting back to the office- it sounds like you have a great job that you enjoy, and you will always get to come home to those sweet faces every day. :)
Sorry I've been MIA, my internet should be fixed by Friday, so I can get back to stalking you properly. :)
xo
You ladies are awesome. Have I told you lately that I love you?
You'll be so proud of me - today was day number two for Liam at daycare. Just short stints, mind you, but we did it!
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